New Zealand is the best Stairmaster I could have ever asked for.

Thursday, 7:00 PM. Auckland, New Zealand.

My hiney is looking flyyyyyyyyy.

Back in scaldy Auckland. I came back just to use the free trip to The Bay of Islands I won at that bar crawl. Except it’s not free, you still have to pay for your own accommodation and excursions. So It’s a free bus ride. Woo.

Before I came back though, I was in the wonderful Whitianga. My hostel was right on the beach. I went kayaking at eight in the morning. Who am I? Well... I’m myself, so I took a nap after. I hitched a ride to Shakespeare’s Cliff (yes, I am a hitch hiker now) and hiked all over until it pooped me out onto Cook’s beach. Walked the length of it. Magically found the road again where I tried to hitch my way to the beach, but ended up paying for the bus like a bourgie bitch.

Finally got to my final destination: Hot Water Beach. Clever people these Kiwi folk are with their names. It’s a hot spring in the sand. You bring a shovel and dig yourself a nice little hole, and chill out. Digging the hole isn’t easy, but Kiwi philosophy states that you don’t get a spa day unless you work for it. I felt pretty bad ass digging my epic hole while other chicks had their boyfriends doing it for them. And when I say “bad ass,” I mean tired and jealous.

The next day I went to Cathedral Cove which had really hot sun and really cold water. I sunned and drew and relaxed. I shouldn’t have been relaxing, because I was literally being eaten alive by bugs. I have 30+ bug bites varying in nickel and tennis ball size. God bless the ecosystem....

I went to Purangi Winery after. Danny, the cheery man who talks you through a tasting of 10 or so fruit wine/liqeur tastings, is awesome. We bonded a bit over the pathetic people who write reviews on trip advisor and yelp. Choke on your negativity and get a life, I say. I got ambitious and ordered a pitcher of their signature feijoa liqeur and cider and ate the pizza that they make there. Both delicious. I ended up taking half the pitcher togo, and gave half my pizza to my bus driver, Dave, who drove me around all day. He reminded me of Hagrid.

I was going to stop somewhere else before coming back here, but someone at my hostel was driving through Aukland and offered me a free ride. And (bonus!) ended up not being a psycho and killing me.

Now, seven of my bug bites are on my hands and I can’t take typing anymore.